Hank the Horse--Aunt Eva's Ride

By Howard Lewis
Critique Partner Extraordinaire!

Since Rita the Mule had her day in the sun, I felt the need to speak up for Hank. He knows Rita and knows she thinks a lot of herself, but he doesn’t understand why. Okay, the mule considers herself a “hybrid.” Hank considers her a mutt. If you take away horses there would be no mules. Rita wouldn’t exist. But if you take away mules, Hank’s life would be better.

Rita made so much fuss about her being willing to fight. So what. Horses could fight if they wanted to. They just don’t want to. They’re pacifists. Nobody ever complained because Gandhi didn’t fight. Why would they worry that horses avoid battles.

Admittedly, on occasion, sometimes horses get scared, and innocent people get hurt. Most of the time it’s an accident. Hank’s relatives have helped people for 5,000 years. Horses and humans have been friends over twice as long as we’ve been counting years. That’s a long time. Why would his kind intentionally want to hurt people now?

Humans need to understand that horses are a little skitzy. You see, a lot of the animal kingdom considers them food. Understandably, this makes them a little nervous. They’ve learned to sleep standing up so they’re ready to run. Most horses only sleep lying down about 20 minutes a day. Then Hank won’t sleep at the same time Rita sleeps, so somebody is standing guard.

Maybe once or twice a person got accidentally injured, but Hank has never intentionally hurt a person. There was that individual who snuck up behind him and he kind of kicked her. Maybe she ended up on the ground. But he immediately tried to apologize. She shooed him away like she was scared of him. He was the one scared. All she needed to do was talk to him so he knew she was coming, and it all could have been avoided.

Then there was the time Eva ended up on the ground. She and Hank were having a wonderful ride through the woods, when Hank saw a rock. But it didn’t look like any rock he’d had ever seen. It looked really menacing. Turned out to be okay, but what if it had been one of those horse-eating rocks? He would have been a hero. All he did was spin and run.  That’s it. And he wanted Eva to go with him. Instead, she fell off. As soon as he realize she was no longer aboard, he went back to get her. Instead of being mad, she laughed and told him he was a very brave horse. That’s why he loved Eva, his own personal human.

If mules are so great, why are there 60 million horses? There’s not 60 million mules. At least Hank hopes there aren’t. One makes his life miserable enough. It’s not that he doesn’t like her. He does. It’s just that she ignores the rules. She’ll sashay by him, just a little too close so it makes him mad. But just far enough away that it’s not worth getting in a fight. He doesn’t want to fight her. She kicks really hard. Not as hard as him. But it still hurts.

For hundreds of years, horses have been bred for certain jobs. There are thoroughbreds who are born to run. Walking horses whose gait keeps their humans comfortable riding for miles. And then Hank’s breed, the quarter horse. Bred to handle cattle, Hank can stop, turn, and take off in the blink of an eye. That’s probably why Eva ended up on the ground when he got scared.

And even with all of their bragging, mules didn’t conquer the West. Hank’s kind conquered the West. Cowboys rode horses not mules. Indians rode horses not mules. The Pony Express rode horses not mules. Horses can make baby horses or mules. Mules can’t make baby anything.

Howard Lewis with his horse McKenzie

In Hank’s opinion, Rita’s role in Linda’s book is way too big. If any animal has a speaking role, it should be Hank. And don’t even get him started on Tammy the Pig. How in the world did she get a bigger part than him?

Let’s start a write-in campaign for Hank. Send Linda a note explaining that Hank deserves both Rita's and Tammy’s roles. He is perfectly capable of carrying both their loads. For that matter, it’s okay with him if Linda loses the goats. Support the horse. Make it Hank’s farm. Horses rule.

I hope you consider this appeal for Hank, and I hope this gets me out of hot water with McKenzie, my horse. He holds a grudge.

About the Author: Howard Lewis is a talented writer, martial artist, and a marvelous critique partner. He lives in the "suburbs" of Salem, SC, with a mule, two horses, and multiple dogs. He's the past president of the Upstate Chapter of Sisters in Crime and he's part of the Writers' Police Academy "family." He's provided tons of information on his equines for my new Brie Hooker Mystery series published by Henery Press. Hank the horse is one of the animal "characters" in B0NES TO PICK, now available for preorder. THANKS Howard!